6 More Steps for Further Self-Torture

October 2, 2008 – 11:43 pm

You may now have perfected the art of conversation. You are now an expert on multitasking. Your daydreams are in the makings of Steven Spielberg (you might even win an oscar). And you only occasionally drool whenever you see your beloved.

But that isn’t enough for you. You still want to find other means to torture yourself. You want to bring thoughts of your adored one into other aspects of your life and devote yourself to their worship.

To help yu along, here are 6 more suggestions to further your chivalrous quest:


Step 1: Be a writer.

Your adored one’s perfection should be expressed through narrative and poetry. If you haven’t started yet, you better get on writing page upon page of literature expounding their godlike perfection right now.

For those who are involved in a long-distance unrequited love relationship, writing letters is another way of getting your adored one to notice you. Remember that letters are a much more intimate way of staying in touch than sending email or texts. Even if you do see your beloved everyday, daily mail banter can be a profitable venture.

The advantage of writing over speech, is that you can spend very long periods of time considering each and every word. Try to embed intricate, obscure double entendres which can be seen either as confessions of love or merely as clever wordplay. Remember not to flirt too much, you may accidentally raise their suspicions. If it is a little tense between the two of you, you may want to have your emails approved by a close friend before sending it, just to make sure you’ve said nothing too overbearing or creepy. And, when you reach the end of a letter or an e-mail, do not neglect to agonize over the closing… “sincerely”? “love”? “see ya ’round”?

Step 2: Be a giver.

Having amassed a collection of knowledge about your beloved’s fancies (based on the previous Rule #1) provides you with an unprecedented ability to come up with the worlds’s most thoughtful gift ideas. Even if you don’t actually intend to give the gift to them because you don’t have enough nerve and strength (or you may never have an opportunity to give these gifts), you can at least feel good about knowing your beloved so well. Anyways, it’s the thought that counts, even if your closet is probably brimming with those ungiven gifts.

Step 3: Be honest.

If communication is the number one priority in a relationship, being honest comes a very close second. Telling an untruth would be a crime and a sin. Despite this, it is also necessary at times that you should make the sacrifice of committing the sin of untruthfulness than reveal your feelings and cause them great discomfort.

Step 4: Be discreet.

Sometimes in the course of your interactions, you’ll have the opportunity to stand or sit rather close to your beloved. do not take these opportunities for granted. They are very rare. In these instances, remember not to make your feelings too obvious. Keep the groping and the “accidental” contact to a manageable level. Remember that there is a very fine line separating unintentional contact and sexual harrassment. So be very careful if you want to avoid a lawsuit.

Step 5: Be a musician and a singer.

Music is very expressive and cathartic. You may want to compile music to be given to your beloved (this is in the rare case when you have summoned enough guts to present the gift to them). Always make sure that you have thoroughly screened and edited all the songs and that only one or two of them are blatant “I love you” tunes. Unless, you plan to reveal your feelings to them.

Another good strategy is to memorize a good and catchy “i’m secretly in love with you” song. You must be ready to belt out this song whenever your beloved is within earshot. Remember that you must look innocent (this is where your acting skills would come in handy) while singing. This act is subtle and will probably leave your beloved confused (or straining and covering his ears). But then again, who knows, they might get your meaning and intentions. If not, then at least you got your beloved to notice you (and your operatic voice)

Step 6: Be a friend.

This is the ultimate time-honored method of self-torture. If you managed to be a caring and supportive friend to your beloved, then you are holding a double-edged sword here. This can be both a great opportunity – you will get to spend a lot of time with your beloved without the world knowing that you worship the ground they walk on – or your ultimate downfall – you will be a trusted confidante. As your beloved’s trusted friend, you will get to hear them tell you about their lovelife.

Listening to lovelife woes is not for the inexperienced. This is a highly dangerous pastime and is probably the most excruciating and rewarding sort of interaction the two of you can have. Do not attempt it unless you are confident that your pain tolerance is maxed out and you have developed great acting skills. You must be ready to show that poker face when your beloved starts to tell you how the date with his special someone went or show a happy and enthusiastic face (even if you want to scream and cry) when your beloved tells you that they have cuddled and kissed the whole night. Remember, you are a friend, and as such should be happy (or pretend to be happy) because your beloved is happy.

There will probably be times that your adored one says something like, “I just wish I could find someone who would treat me well, like you do.” Watch out! Despite appearances and what he/she said in this moment of weakness, this is NOT an invitation for you to tackle them in a loving embrace and begin kissing them. A (very tight) hug might be appropriate or you could offer your shoulder for your beloved to cry on.

Remember: As a general rule, the person whom your beloved showers his/her love and deems worthy of their affection will be a self-centered, ill-mannered, shallow, black hole of humanity (of course they are). They are, however, extremely and outrageously attractive. Because this base individual is completely self-centered and shallow, they will cause great distress to your beloved. You must be prepared to bite your tongue when your angel makes excuses for this demon and crawls back to them time and time again.

NOTE: Some parts and ideas from these posts have been taken from Steve-o Stonebraker’s Agony and Rupture (Thanks!)

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