6 Rules – A Guide to Unrequited Love

September 30, 2008 – 11:39 pm

No need to be all in agony here. This is suppposed to be funny. Although suffering from unrequited love might be intensely painful and may leave you feeling like a well-used, battered rug, I say why not make lemonade out of lemons (and not the other way around)?

Reminder to the ADORERS: For any relationship to work, the most essential thing is “communication”.

- A different set of rules is involved when you are in conversation with the love of your life – Don’t ever (never!) forget that every word your beloved one utters is IMPORTANT. Always remember to behave like every encounter with your adored one is a scene from a very romantic 5-hour love epic…

Rule #1: Everything your beloved one says is very important.

They are incapable of saying useless information so always watch out for even the tiniest tidbit of info you can get from them… from their (1) Personal History (the details of every anecdote they share should be forever burned into your memory- where they grew up, their earliest memory even their first farts should be memorized), (2) Likes and Dislikes – there is probably only one chance that they will tell what their favorite brand of shaving cream is, so things like this should not be forgotten… you never know when such info will be useful.. (3) other random tidbits – like when he only wears white undies, wishes they could beat their younger brother at Nintendo, and so on…

As you sit with them entranced and listening to that smooth, calming voice, remember to wipe off the saliva trickling down your mouth. You are likely to become entranced by the movement of their sweet, beckoning lips, the subtle variations in the color of their hair, and the texture of the skin on their hands. Try not to be distracted for too long. With a little practice, you’ll learn how to multitask during your interactions so you can both listen intently and take part in a meticulous study of their face and body at the same time.

Rule #2: Awkward silences are best avoided.

Your beloved may think that you have no conversational skills, or worst that your IQ is so low you can’t carry on a decent conversation. Make sure to compose a mental list of several things you can tell or ask them about before attempting any contact with them. They are god-like but steel yourself and do not freeze up (at least try not to).

Rule #3: Rehearse everything that you have to tell them.

This will ensure that you will appear perfect to your beloved. If possible, have a script for you to follow whenever you talk to them.

Warning: Be aware that conversations won’t always unfold exactly as you have scripted them, so have a contingency plan. Try out a few variations and be prepared to improvise.

Rule #4: Always give them compliments.

Don’t bother trying to be smooth. By virtue of your feelings for them, that is out of your hands (you will always act like a moron in front of them). But have some hope, based on statistics and probability, if you make enough attempts, there will be an occasional movie-quality moment. They won’t be common, but they will come (1 out of 100 successful attempt is a good result).

Rule #5: It is difficult (and nearly impossible) for any unrequited love affair to develop into something meaningful without generous application of one’s imagination and a lot of pretending.

Learn the art of daydreaming.

You can’t fully experience loving someone without shouting out your feelings at a New Years Eve party, or running off behind the building with them to steal a secret kiss. Since attempting any of these things in real life would result in them finding out that you like them, the only rational option is to set it all up in your mind. By lying awake in bed thinking of your beloved for an hour or so before settling into an exhausted, fitful slumber, you raise the chances of having them appear in your dreams.

Rule #6: Convince your beloved to go out with you and some friends together on a quasi-date.

With the pretext of being completely platonic, these should be activities which you could legitimately share without it being known to the world that you are secretly in love with them. During the course of the quasi-date, you will undoubtedly be mistaken for a dating couple at least once… (that is your goal of course) so always remember to pretend to be amused and maybe even get embarrassed at the mistake.

On the next entry, I will discuss other forms of self-torture. Stay tuned.

Notes: This entry was taken from my old (very, very old) Friendster blog. I have completely forgotten that I have written some 6 pages of crap in there. I’m re-posting some of them. I have a penchance for self-torture, so please bear with me.

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