You may now have perfected the art of conversation. You are now an expert on multitasking. Your daydreams are in the makings of Steven Spielberg (you might even win an oscar). And you only occasionally drool whenever you see your beloved.

But that isn’t enough for you. You still want to find other means to torture yourself. You want to bring thoughts of your adored one into other aspects of your life and devote yourself to their worship.

To help yu along, here are 6 more suggestions to further your chivalrous quest:

OTHER SELF-TORTURE:

Step 1: Be a writer.

Your adored one’s perfection should be expressed through narrative and poetry. If you haven’t started yet, you better get on writing page upon page of literature expounding their godlike perfection right now.

For those who are involved in a long-distance unrequited love relationship, writing letters is another way of getting your adored one to notice you. Remember that letters are a much more intimate way of staying in touch than sending email or texts. Even if you do see your beloved everyday, daily mail banter can be a profitable venture.

The advantage of writing over speech, is that you can spend very long periods of time considering each and every word. Try to embed intricate, obscure double entendres which can be seen either as confessions of love or merely as clever wordplay. Remember not to flirt too much, you may accidentally raise their suspicions. If it is a little tense between the two of you, you may want to have your emails approved by a close friend before sending it, just to make sure you’ve said nothing too overbearing or creepy. And, when you reach the end of a letter or an e-mail, do not neglect to agonize over the closing… “sincerely”? “love”? “see ya ’round”?

Step 2: Be a giver.

Having amassed a collection of knowledge about your beloved’s fancies (based on the previous Rule #1) provides you with an unprecedented ability to come up with the worlds’s most thoughtful gift ideas. Even if you don’t actually intend to give the gift to them because you don’t have enough nerve and strength (or you may never have an opportunity to give these gifts), you can at least feel good about knowing your beloved so well. Anyways, it’s the thought that counts, even if your closet is probably brimming with those ungiven gifts.

Step 3: Be honest.

If communication is the number one priority in a relationship, being honest comes a very close second. Telling an untruth would be a crime and a sin. Despite this, it is also necessary at times that you should make the sacrifice of committing the sin of untruthfulness than reveal your feelings and cause them great discomfort.

Step 4: Be discreet.

Sometimes in the course of your interactions, you’ll have the opportunity to stand or sit rather close to your beloved. do not take these opportunities for granted. They are very rare. In these instances, remember not to make your feelings too obvious. Keep the groping and the “accidental” contact to a manageable level. Remember that there is a very fine line separating unintentional contact and sexual harrassment. So be very careful if you want to avoid a lawsuit.

Step 5: Be a musician and a singer.

Music is very expressive and cathartic. You may want to compile music to be given to your beloved (this is in the rare case when you have summoned enough guts to present the gift to them). Always make sure that you have thoroughly screened and edited all the songs and that only one or two of them are blatant “I love you” tunes. Unless, you plan to reveal your feelings to them.

Another good strategy is to memorize a good and catchy “i’m secretly in love with you” song. You must be ready to belt out this song whenever your beloved is within earshot. Remember that you must look innocent (this is where your acting skills would come in handy) while singing. This act is subtle and will probably leave your beloved confused (or straining and covering his ears). But then again, who knows, they might get your meaning and intentions. If not, then at least you got your beloved to notice you (and your operatic voice)

Step 6: Be a friend.

This is the ultimate time-honored method of self-torture. If you managed to be a caring and supportive friend to your beloved, then you are holding a double-edged sword here. This can be both a great opportunity – you will get to spend a lot of time with your beloved without the world knowing that you worship the ground they walk on – or your ultimate downfall – you will be a trusted confidante. As your beloved’s trusted friend, you will get to hear them tell you about their lovelife.

Listening to lovelife woes is not for the inexperienced. This is a highly dangerous pastime and is probably the most excruciating and rewarding sort of interaction the two of you can have. Do not attempt it unless you are confident that your pain tolerance is maxed out and you have developed great acting skills. You must be ready to show that poker face when your beloved starts to tell you how the date with his special someone went or show a happy and enthusiastic face (even if you want to scream and cry) when your beloved tells you that they have cuddled and kissed the whole night. Remember, you are a friend, and as such should be happy (or pretend to be happy) because your beloved is happy.

There will probably be times that your adored one says something like, “I just wish I could find someone who would treat me well, like you do.” Watch out! Despite appearances and what he/she said in this moment of weakness, this is NOT an invitation for you to tackle them in a loving embrace and begin kissing them. A (very tight) hug might be appropriate or you could offer your shoulder for your beloved to cry on.

Remember: As a general rule, the person whom your beloved showers his/her love and deems worthy of their affection will be a self-centered, ill-mannered, shallow, black hole of humanity (of course they are). They are, however, extremely and outrageously attractive. Because this base individual is completely self-centered and shallow, they will cause great distress to your beloved. You must be prepared to bite your tongue when your angel makes excuses for this demon and crawls back to them time and time again.

NOTE: Some parts and ideas from these posts have been taken from Steve-o Stonebraker’s Agony and Rupture (Thanks!)

No need to be all in agony here. This is suppposed to be funny. Although suffering from unrequited love might be intensely painful and may leave you feeling like a well-used, battered rug, I say why not make lemonade out of lemons (and not the other way around)?

Reminder to the ADORERS: For any relationship to work, the most essential thing is “communication”.

- A different set of rules is involved when you are in conversation with the love of your life – Don’t ever (never!) forget that every word your beloved one utters is IMPORTANT. Always remember to behave like every encounter with your adored one is a scene from a very romantic 5-hour love epic…

Rule #1: Everything your beloved one says is very important.

They are incapable of saying useless information so always watch out for even the tiniest tidbit of info you can get from them… from their (1) Personal History (the details of every anecdote they share should be forever burned into your memory- where they grew up, their earliest memory even their first farts should be memorized), (2) Likes and Dislikes – there is probably only one chance that they will tell what their favorite brand of shaving cream is, so things like this should not be forgotten… you never know when such info will be useful.. (3) other random tidbits – like when he only wears white undies, wishes they could beat their younger brother at Nintendo, and so on…

As you sit with them entranced and listening to that smooth, calming voice, remember to wipe off the saliva trickling down your mouth. You are likely to become entranced by the movement of their sweet, beckoning lips, the subtle variations in the color of their hair, and the texture of the skin on their hands. Try not to be distracted for too long. With a little practice, you’ll learn how to multitask during your interactions so you can both listen intently and take part in a meticulous study of their face and body at the same time.

Rule #2: Awkward silences are best avoided.

Your beloved may think that you have no conversational skills, or worst that your IQ is so low you can’t carry on a decent conversation. Make sure to compose a mental list of several things you can tell or ask them about before attempting any contact with them. They are god-like but steel yourself and do not freeze up (at least try not to).

Rule #3: Rehearse everything that you have to tell them.

This will ensure that you will appear perfect to your beloved. If possible, have a script for you to follow whenever you talk to them.

Warning: Be aware that conversations won’t always unfold exactly as you have scripted them, so have a contingency plan. Try out a few variations and be prepared to improvise.

Rule #4: Always give them compliments.

Don’t bother trying to be smooth. By virtue of your feelings for them, that is out of your hands (you will always act like a moron in front of them). But have some hope, based on statistics and probability, if you make enough attempts, there will be an occasional movie-quality moment. They won’t be common, but they will come (1 out of 100 successful attempt is a good result).

Rule #5: It is difficult (and nearly impossible) for any unrequited love affair to develop into something meaningful without generous application of one’s imagination and a lot of pretending.

Learn the art of daydreaming.

You can’t fully experience loving someone without shouting out your feelings at a New Years Eve party, or running off behind the building with them to steal a secret kiss. Since attempting any of these things in real life would result in them finding out that you like them, the only rational option is to set it all up in your mind. By lying awake in bed thinking of your beloved for an hour or so before settling into an exhausted, fitful slumber, you raise the chances of having them appear in your dreams.

Rule #6: Convince your beloved to go out with you and some friends together on a quasi-date.

With the pretext of being completely platonic, these should be activities which you could legitimately share without it being known to the world that you are secretly in love with them. During the course of the quasi-date, you will undoubtedly be mistaken for a dating couple at least once… (that is your goal of course) so always remember to pretend to be amused and maybe even get embarrassed at the mistake.

On the next entry, I will discuss other forms of self-torture. Stay tuned.

Notes: This entry was taken from my old (very, very old) Friendster blog. I have completely forgotten that I have written some 6 pages of crap in there. I’m re-posting some of them. I have a penchance for self-torture, so please bear with me.

Use with caution.

Will Return Clock

This is the ultimate revenge to those people who one time or another made you rush to their office only “not” to find them in there.

“Just post the Will Return Clock on your office door or near your cubicle. Anyone coming to meet you will see the sign and know you’re out, and they will wait for your return based on the time posted. But then they will notice that the time displayed is right now, and you’re not back yet.”

Price: $9.99 @ www.thinkgeek.com

Annoy-a-tron

“The Annoy-a-tron generates a short (but very annoying, hence the name) beep every few minutes. Your unsuspecting target will have a hard time ‘timing’ the location of the sound because the beeps will vary in intervals ranging from 2 to 8 minutes.”

Price: $9.99 @ www.thinkgeek.com.

3 Simple Steps:

• Turn on
• Hide it
• Mwahahaha…

Mini Office Voodoo Kit

“Ever wonder how your CEO got to the top? Don’t be fooled by excuses of “hard work” or “dedication.”

The real truth? Office Voodoo. With a pint-sized voodoo doll, pins, and a 32-page guide to voodoo spells that get results, The Mini Office Voodoo kit is your ticket to the corporate high life. This kit fits in the palm of your hand… which is great because your coworkers won’t notice it!”

Price: $6.95 @ www.prankplace.com

Bonus:

Sarcastic Workplace Trophies

Show your appreciation for your co-workers by awarding them with these specially designed trophies:

“Complete Dumbass of the Year” – needs no further explanation

Other phrases includes:

“Brown Noser of the Year Award” – perfect for your butt-kissing coworker

“Ultimate Slacker of the Year” – for people who gets all the credit for doing nothing

“Control Freak of the Year” – for that special someone with OCD

Price: $9.89 each @ www.prankplace.com.

And the world stands still

When you have nothing to do

The rain pours

The streets slips

Your eyes close

Your heart beats, slowly

And the world stands still

Your butt aches

Your eyes water

Your back slouches

Your neck stiffens,

The ground shakes

Still, the world stands still

And you stand still with it

]]> http://bloggista.freehostia.com/and-the-world-stands-still/feed/ 1 http://bloggista.freehostia.com/at-the-office-rhods/ http://bloggista.freehostia.com/at-the-office-rhods/#comments Fri, 19 Sep 2008 08:45:55 +0000 augel http://bloggista.freehostia.com/?p=686 ]]> http://bloggista.freehostia.com/at-the-office-rhods/feed/ 0 http://bloggista.freehostia.com/top-reason-why-you-should-lay-off-facebook-for-awhile/ http://bloggista.freehostia.com/top-reason-why-you-should-lay-off-facebook-for-awhile/#comments Wed, 30 Jul 2008 03:08:13 +0000 augel http://bloggista.freehostia.com/top-reason-why-you-should-lay-off-facebook-for-awhile/ Probably.

Unless you want to want to be in a situation like this:

Facebook Guy: (knock10x)

Poor Guy:  Hello?

FBGuy: POKE! Edward Baxter! It’s me, Tom from school!

PGuy:  Oh…

FBGuy: We sat next to each other in Math! We didn’t get on, remember?

PGuy: Yeah…

FBGuy: Do you want to be my friend?

PGuy: What?

FBGuy: DO YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND, Confirm or Ignore?

PGuy:  Alright…

FBGuy: Great! Where did we meet?

PGuy: You know where we met.

FBGuy: Do you want to skip this step?

PGuy: We met at school!

…

FBGuy: Ok, Are you in a relationship?

PGuy: I’ve got to go…

FBGuy:  Is it complicated? It’s complicated.

Ok, What are you looking for?

Friendship,Dating, Whatever you can get…?

Let’s just say Random Play…

Hahaha… This is comically scary.

Evidence that my superpower is working quite well.

As always, I was late in arriving. The agreed meeting time was 7-8 am but I arrived 8:30 am. I was quite embarrassed because they were all waiting for me, granted that I’m not totally acquainted with them all (I could say was gatecrashing because they were all barkadas and I was only acquainted with a few of them). But they were really great people and I never felt out place once.

Here we are on the van going to Concepcion. The whole drive was very smooth sailing, comfortable and only took a little over 2 hours.

(from left: Rei, Eaves, Oliver, Elena, Jimmy, Mark, me, Marco, Cay, Sha, Teng – Mark Ian is MIA)

We were dropped off at Conception’s marketplace where we stopped over to buy fish and other supplies. We also ate our lunch in a carinderia there.

A 20-minute boat ride will take you to the Sandbar island. Here is our first view:

Breathtaking!

We’re here!

Just having some fun on the beach…

We hung-out for a bit…

And cooked our own food

And all through the night…

…t’was filled with fun (friends, music and drinks!)

beautiful views

Unfortunately, I don’t have any of those superpowers. I can sit in the couch and stare at the TV for hours, but that’s not a fun superpower. It’s only helpful if you want to look like a blob statue. I can also shed tears watching dog commercials — but that just makes me look crazy and delusional. Besides, running mascara is definitely not sexy.

For now, I have to contend with this: look and act like a totally spacey klutz, though not on demand. To fight off potential enemies I will fall flat in my face everytime a villain tries to hit me. I can also trip on my own feet to dodge enemy fire. Perhaps, I can even slap the crap off anybody coward enough to fight me.

Or better yet in display of my super spacey stupidity, I can put cold water in a cup of instant noodles, stir it a little bit, cover it and after five minutes wonder why the heck is the noodles not cooked yet? How great is that?!

I don’t think one can. You may desperately try to convince yourself that losing is not very difficult to deal with. That there is an art to it, and like every other art, one can master its techniques.

This poem caught my eye because the author seemed intent in trying to convince herself that losing something is not a disaster. Indeed, some things are sometimes meant to be lost, but this does mean that we are not allowed to feel bad if they do.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

–Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.